Dear Crystal,
A very long time ago, an old boyfriend had a porn flick where in the very last scene a woman used a vibrator in a guy's ass. I wasn't alone when I was watching it or I think I would have had a spontaneous, un-aided orgasm right then and there. My heart rate escalated, my head and neck got hot, my clit started pulsing and I was apeshit horny. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was ashamed that I had such a reaction but I felt like my head was gonna explode it made me so horny. Needless to say, the very first chance I had at home alone I shoved that VHS (can you tell it was a long time ago) into the VCR, fast-forwarded to that part and tweaked my clit for a whole 3 seconds until I came. So skipping a couple months ahead, my boyfriend went out of town and I headed over to my favorite adult book store to rent a movie. Street parking sucked so I always parked in the back where they conveniently stocked the gay porn. As I stroll into the dimly lit, disinfectant smelling store, the images on the covers of the movies caught my eye and I caught myself having that same reaction again...heart racing, temperature elevating, oh no, what do I do? As I start picking up movies and turning them over to see the pics on the back I've made up my mind. I've gotta rent one. This is what I have to have, it's what I need. I pick up one of Paul Morgan's flicks and shyly take it up to the counter. Oh god, I was so nervous the huge bouncer-looking guy was gonna think I was weird. He didn't so much as double-take the fact that I was renting a movie called "Mystery Man". I raced home and locked my bedroom door (don't know why, no one was home) and started the movie. Long story short, it took three different orgasms just to get passed the trailers of other movies. Ten years later, it's still all that gets me off. I can watch straight porn with my lover but it just doesn't raise my blood pressure the way guys fucking each other does. I don't rent the stuff with kissing and loving and rubbing. I just wanna see straight fucking, fingering, dildos, vibrators, anything with penetration. Seeing a cock enter an ass with two sets of balls swinging drives me nuts. I by no means want my boyfriends to fuck other guys, and I don't even want them to enjoy the porn with me. So I'm sure you are saying, "so what, what's the problem?" And the problem is that I'm tired of hiding it. The couple times that I have shared this info with boyfriends that I have trusted, they immediately think I'm sick, have a problem, am disgusting....blah, blah, blah. But I don't want to have to delete my history or my cookies or worry every time they log onto my computer that they are gonna come across a page that I've been surfing on. I'm not a 14 year old with my dad's Playboy. Am I sick? And if not, how do I get my lover to understand?
Thanks for listening...From the Gay Porn Junkie
Hi There Gay Porn Junkie,
I sympathize with your problem. So many men are closed-minded to many things. I can only imagine how close-minded they are to their woman wanting to watch two guys sword fight or push their stool in for them! ;) But let me agree with you that indeed you aren't 14 and you shouldn't have to hide anything. They are lucky you aren't pushing it on them. What ever you want to watch in private should not concern them, I could see if you were taking time away from them to do it but it seems that you are only doing it when they are not readily available to please you. Personally, I say to each his own, watch whatever gets you off as long as it doesn't involve children or animals. Indulge! But to calm your insecurities, there are many women who love to watch gay porn. I wish I could give you a statistic but so many women would never admit to it that no percentage would be accurate. Many women like it for lots of reasons. Some are attracted to it because it's so taboo and forbidden. Some like it because not all women want plot and emotion and many gay movies are just hot, chiseled men straight fucking with no strings attached. Another reason is that the arousal is real. It isn't like women where they can moan and groan on command, fake orgasms and no one will ever know. If their cock is hard, it's because they like it. Period. And then there is the masculinity factor, these guys are hot, well-groomed, they have very little body hair (aside from the bear movies) and they are typically in great shape. Some women have rape/forced fantasies but they don't like to see weak women as the victims of other men. So they watch the locker room/military/jail gay porn where they depict forced, less-than-consentual sex between men. If I were you I would hold my head high, tell your man that this is what you are into, you aren't pressuring him into it. Reassure him that you don't want him to ever be with another man. That him being with another man is not part of the fantasy. I bet he likes to watch female on female porn...and why? It's ultra-feminine. Two beautiful women lapping up each others pussy juices ever so gently. Why can't you see men being manly together? Get on the net with him and search forums where women are talking about how they like gay porn, there are lots of them. Then he will see it's not just you. Stop being insecure and embrace yourself, be you and don't worry. As long as you guys make time for each other, sooner or later he won't care what you do with yourself when you are by yourself. Hope this helps, keep me updated!