Crystal,
I'm 18 yrs. old and just recently discovered my partner has herpes. We have not been intimate yet, but things where headed that way until he told me about his condition. Now I understand why he wouldn't really kiss me or want to go all the way. Every time I tried to start something he would make up some lame excuse and now I know the truth. I am a bit grossed out and I don't know what to do about it. I like him a lot and am thankful he actually told me about his condition. The only problem is I am just grossed out by it all. He is a great person all round, really he is great. I just can't look at him in the eye right now. I'm only 18 and don't want to risk getting anything... but then again, I like him so much that sometimes I don't even think about his condition. What should I do? I mean, I am so into him... he is perfect in every other way! We had this vacation planned for the end of this month and now I don't know if I can even go with him. I'm confused and mad... and horny... what is a girl to do?!
Hope you can shed some light on me... your page here came highly recommended!
Best regards,
Ms. Shocked and Confused
Los Angeles
Well hello there Shocked and Confused,
I can totally understand why you are freaked out but I would like to commend your boyfriend in being honest with you and for being brave enough to be ready for your reaction. I'm gonna just get right to it because herpes in one of my favorite topics to talk about...not because it's exceptionally fun but because of how little people know and how much they like to pretend they know...Anyway, here goes;
There are 2 different type of Herpes Simplex Viruses...HSV-1 and HSV-2. They are both virutally identical, sharing about 50% of the same DNA. With both of these, 2/3 of infected people have no symptoms or symptoms so mild they go unnoticed. And with both, they can occur and be spread even when no symptoms are present. HSV-1 usually establishes latency in a collection of nerves near the ear and tends to show itself on the lips or face. HSV-2 usually sets up residence at the base of the spine and makes it's grand appearance in the genital area. Either type can reside in either or both parts of the body. Because of the social stigma that comes along with oral herpes and brushing them off as "cold sores", people don't realize that HSV-1 can (but rarely so) travel into the eye or brain and cause blindness and death. It can also spread to fingers and what is called "wrestler's herpes" and get on the chest or face. HSV-2 which carries a heavier stigma is actually the less dangerous one. It rarely causes complications or spreads to other locations. 22% of Americans have HSV-2 or genital herpes.
Differences in immune responses can dictate the frequency of outbreaks of either type of herpes. Another factor is how long someone has had the infection. Over time, the outbreaks become less frequent because your body builds antibodies that fight the infections. With HSV-1, of the 100 million Americans that have the infection, a huge percentage of them acquired it as very young children. On the other hand, almost all of the approxiametly 40 million Americans with HSV-2 acquired it as teens or adults. Both of these viruses are the most contagious during outbreaks but contrary to most myths, are also very very spreadable when there are no recognizable symptoms. HSV-1 is spread 5% of the time through saliva when there are no symptoms. HSV-2 is spread 6-10% of the time when there are no symptoms. Acquisiton of one type is more difficult if you already carry the other virus. For example, if I have HSV-1, it would be harder for me to get HSV-2 because my body has been building antibodies from the minute I acquired HSV-1. This doesn't mean you are totally protected, it's just more difficult to get. By the time they are teenagers about 50% of Americans have the HSV-1 antibodies in their blood...and by the time you hit 50, 80-90% have the antibodies. So what does all this mean...
You can still enjoy sex while being careful about herpes. Knowing your boyfriends outbreak patterns can help. Take into consideration the risks and think about how long you might be with this guy and how much you really care about him...weigh out the risks and decide on a safety plan.
During an outbreak:
Have your boyfriend stop any sexual contact with you as soon as he feels warning signs of an outbreak. Even before the sore appears, the virus is active and can be spread. Avoid any vaginal, anal or oral sex and any type of sexual touch (like mutual masturbation or rubbing) – even with a condom. The virus can spread from sores or areas of the skin not covered by a condom. Wait for seven days after all sores heal before having sex again. Especially during the first outbreak, touching a herpes sore can spread the virus from one person to another or from one part of the body to another. Make sure he doesn't touch the sores. If he does, have him wash his hands with hot, soapy water before he touches anything else.
Between outbreaks:
Even if he does not have symptoms, he can still spread herpes. Using condoms between outbreaks can reduce – but not eliminate – the risk of transmission. While condoms can’t protect against all skin contact, they at least protect the most likely areas for infection. Condoms also help reduce the risk of getting other STDs. Have him get a prescription for anti-herpes drugs if he already doesn't. Daily use of valacyclovir has been shown to reduce the risk of giving herpes to partners. However, this is not 100% effective. Even people on treatment need to use condoms and avoid sex if herpes sores appear. Using condoms and taking medication is safer than either method alone. I'm sorry that I can't help you emotionally make a decision without really knowing how you feel about him but I hope this gargantuan post of info helps. Good luck and feel free to post replies or comments.
-Crystal